Behind Closed Doors

I know that I haven't been on here in forever, and I was hesitant to post this, but I am not at a place in my life where I feel comfortable sharing, in the hopes that what I am going through might be able to positively impact the life of someone else. A lot has happened in the past year, and I am finally siting down to reflect on what has happened, and why I have been missing in action: here is my story, the story of what most people don't know about me...

From the moment I stepped foot on campus, got all settled in and unpacked, I immediately felt homesick and anxious about the upcoming year. I have difficulty making new friends, which might seem shocking to most since I try and be as outgoing, social and bubbly as possible. There's so much behind the scenes that most people don't know about me: behind the scenes, I am very shy and guarded, and am not one to be open to others about my emotions and what I'm feeling inside.

From anxiety, to panic attacks, to insecurities and stress, I struggled constantly to maintain my composure, and be there for my friends without letting them know what I was going through. College is rough, especially because when you're in college it feels like there's no escaping your problems because you're always here. 

As some may know, I struggle with anxiety and depression, which is something I don't normally share with people, but now that I've grown into a clear mindset, I feel comfortable and in a position to open up. I feel like there is no escaping, and while I try not to dwell on things and be happy and make others smile, I forget to take care of myself.

This has been an ongoing battle since high school, and coming to college was so hard, not knowing if I could make friends or trust anyone. I came very close to transferring several times, because I was just that unhappy. While things have progressed forward, there's always that fear in the back of my head like "do people like me?" or questioning whether Loyola is the school for me. 

Transitioning to college is extremely challenging to make a foreign city and school feel like home, or finding friends and resources to ease the transition process. It wasn't until I met people like my friends Sophie and Anna, that I had an outlet for support and advice and an ear to listen to what I was going through. Up until than, I had felt hopeless because I never felt there was anyone there for me during my first year of college.

It's people like them that we need more of in the world. It's so rewarding and comforting to have people who are always so kind and caring towards me and others, with true hearts of gold. College is tough, and I know I just need to give it time and be patient because things won't change in an instant.

Many people but on this front that they are extremely happy and everything is perfect (me being one example), and what I fail to realize is that so many more people are feeling the same way, but just aren't showing it or feeling anyone. Adapting and finding a place at college longer for some people (like it is for me). It's easy to feel like you don't have a place yet when I and many others were just thrown into this situation where we don't know anyone are trying to figure our lives out.

It's hard not knowing whether I have a place or not at school because it seems like everyone is so happy and having fun. I know deep down inside I need to give it time, because the friends I have made are amazing, one being Sophie whom I met through relay for life. Every time I see her, I smile so much because she always has a way of making me feel better about any situation I’m going through.

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety, distraught about my major and career, friends, and it’s a lot to process all at once with everything that comes with transitioning to college. Things have been rough, battling many fears, whether I should stay at Loyola, questioning whether people like me, feelings of rejection and hurt, but trying to remember the numerous amount of love.

I keep going back to all the love and support I have received, from individuals such as Sophie and my evergreen Anna. They have impacted me in numerous ways, and I know it may not seem like much to them, as they are naturally caring and supportive individuals, it means the world to me. At a time when I was the most vulnerable and needed support, they have always made me feel better.

Meeting Sophie was a gift: she picked me up when I fell down, gave me advice, made me laugh and smile, and that’s invaluable to me; something I will never forget. There’s a lot that y’all don’t know about me that I don’t share, hence why this is entitled: “Behind Closed Doors”. On the outside, I emulate positivity, optimism, and happiness, striving to make friends, help and care for others, and put the lives of others before my own.

However, deep down inside: I am hurting; anxiety, depression, insecurity, not feeling good enough or worthy of love and happiness, and constantly criticizing myself for “not being good enough” or deserving of support.

Shocking right?? The bright, bubbly, outgoing, charismatic girl who always puts others first, always has a smile on her face, struggles with anxiety and depression. You never know what someone is going through until you get the chance to peel back the numerous layers. What may appear to be reality on the outside can surely be receiving. I never thought I could confide in someone about anything, so I built up walls and kept my feelings to myself.

For some reason, one day, I broke down. I second guessed everything about myself, and felt like I didn’t belong at Loyola, and people didn’t like me. I try very hard to maintain this positive, upbeat outlook on life and make friends because until recently, I didn’t have “genuine” friends back home. Maybe my perception if off, because I tend to overthink and overanalyze everything. I felt like overtime the relationships and friendships I made at the beginning were fading; I would try and make plans, or engage in conversation, but never felt included.

I can’t help but question myself: “do people like me?”, “is there something wrong with me?” I wonder at times whether the people whom I became so close with at the beginning of the year are still my friends at the end. Yes, I know it’s irrational, but sometimes the way I see how others are thriving, so happy and content, it makes it seem like I just don’t quite have a place. I want to be able to explain to others how I am feeling, but I believe in the process I would be burdening them; that’s why I tend to keep things bottled up inside of me.

It’s nerve-wracking and difficult for me to be vulnerable and openly express my feeling and emotions to others because I have never done this before. My heart is beating out of my chest as my fingers are typing, and I am pouring my heart out to the internet, to friends and loved ones, to complete strangers, what I have been hiding for years.

I don’t quite understand what it is, but I am constantly second guessing myself, questioning what I want to do with my life. I am a very close off “keep to myself” kind of person; I never confide in others or reach out for support because I never had that outlet to do so. I try constantly to convince myself and others that I’m fine, and not to worry about me.

That day, I broke down in tears. I was so stressed with work, and anxious about different things that were out of my control such as my friendships, and things that were happening at home. Everything seemed to hit me all at once. By holding onto things, suddenly, everything came crashing right in front of me, and the pain and burden became overwhelming.

Often, I feel like people won’t understand what I’m going through, so that’s why u tend to hold back and keep things bottled up inside of me, until I ultimately explode. I’ve had previous relationships where I felt stabbed in the back and ditched, making me believe I wasn’t worthy of their friendship and love in general.

I vowed to never let anyone see my emotions. I never let people see me cry, or be vulnerable, and this sucks because everyone needs to let out their emotions, but for me, I am terrified of that.

Living with depression and anxiety is a difficult feat to deal with, especially while navigating through the crazy world of college. Ever since junior year when I lost a ton of friendships, I haven’t been the same: I told myself I would never be able to trust anyone ever again.

But since I met Sophie, things have changed: there’s something so warm and welcoming about her, that I can be myself around, and let my guard down. She’s been there for me in every aspect she can. I have never had someone like her in my life, and the world needs more individuals like her. She’s one of the sweetest, most down to earth individual I know.

I have never met someone whom I trust so much: she always gives me the best advice and makes me feel so much better during rough times. Every coffee date, photo and memory we make together makes me smile so much. She has been an amazing mentor, and whenever I needed someone to talk to, she was always there to provide me with insightful advice and support to make me feel 10 times better.

Then a few weeks before moving back for my sophomore year it happened: I had one of the worst panic attacks, dreading the return of school, thoughts flooding my brain about the pain I went through last year. Last year I had a horrible time: I struggled with my anxiety, fought to fit in and make new friends, most importantly ones I could trust.

All my past fears came creeping back entering my sophomore year: now granted, I have many some incredible friends like Sophie, Madison, Jeff and Julie from relay, my evergreen Anna, and others from various places, but all my past year crept forward. I was stressing about what I wanted to do with my life, as sophomore year is a big milestone and pivotal year with declaring my major and planning for the future.

I know deep down inside everything is going to be alright, but right now everything is consuming me. I recognize that I have many people who care very much for me, and hate to see me hurting. While I am not exactly where I want to be socially and emotionally, I have been doing a lot of self-discernment to find peace.  

This summer, I decided to do something about it: I finally put myself first. Although I made amazing connections and friends my freshman year, I was still so anxious and stressed and not healthy. Last year, I didn’t practice self-care, which was a mistake. But reflecting on everything from the past year, I have worked on eating healthier, managing my time by being organized and preplanning my week, and seeking out activities I enjoyed to alleviate my stress when I felt myself getting overwhelmed.

I began doing what was right for me: if that meant going for a 2-mile run, hiking with my dog, leaving my phone at home and only checking it in the morning and at night, or staying home with my family and relaxing, than that was what I did. I started putting time into my appearance: I started wearing more jeans and nice tops, skirts, dresses, heels and boots; but biggest of all, I wore makeup. I have always loved makeup, but this summer, I would watch youtube videos of makeup tutorials on repeat. I became inspired, and invested a lot of my money into makeup products, not because I thought I needed it to be pretty and feel good, but because it was an outlet for me to release my stress in a fun, more productive way.

In addition, I started eating well: I have always been a health-conscious individual, refusing to eat things that were too high in calories, but now I threw that all away, and invested in a healthy diet. I eat 3 healthy meals a day with lots of energy giving snacks in between, and in between, would indulge in a sweet treat here and there to reward myself.

I am finally beginning to enjoy the little things in life, and realize that I can’t take life for granted. Everyone has a different way of practicing self-care. I’m not there yet, but I am 100% on the road to peace and a healthy lifestyle that makes me happy. I accept myself for who I am, and this takes time, sometimes it’s hard to wait, but I have made so much progress, and I am celebrating the little victories.

Loneliness is a choice and it’s important to choose to have people around you to love and support you, even though this might be difficult. However, I finally found those people. My evergreen Anna: one of the kindest, most caring, selfless individual I have met. Anna never fails to make me smile or laugh, text me late at night amidst her hectic schedule to talk to me and provide support and advice. My confidence and self-esteem has greatly improved thanks to her, helping me see things in a different perspective. She always tells me to take care of myself, to take a break from schoolwork when I find myself getting anxious to relax, spend times with friends, and most importantly, to breathe.

She is a true inspiration to me, reminding me to look for the positive things each day, because stress and anxiety are short lived, and I couldn’t imagine getting through my first year without her.

Lastly, at the end of last year I found myself my core group of friends: Julia, Kat, Micaela, Hayley: thank you all for always being there for me, providing a shoulder to cry on and vent when I was stressed and needed guidance. I have never received such love, care, and an outpour of support from anyone. From homework, to late night vent sessions to parties and gym dates, I can’t see myself being friends with anyone else.

I am here for a reason, and Loyola is a such a great opportunity with many awesome people. College is incredibly difficult to say the least in so many ways, but so far I think I am doing alright! It is such a big adjustment for everyone, and I am extremely proud of how far I have come, and I hope to accomplish all that I can. To hear from others how I make them feel important and cared about is one of the most heartwarming things I have ever heard.

I am so happy I have taken the time to write this, and I hope that if anyone else out there is struggling, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, wake up every morning with a smile on your face and remind yourself that everything is going to be alright!

REASONS WHY I PICKED THE BEST SCHOOL!!,

I knew from the start, the moment I stepped foot on Loyola's campus, the sun shining down, clear blue sky, and the kind faces of students greeting me, that I wanted to go here. There was no doubt in my mind that Loyola was the perfect fit for me: medium sized, small class sizes, an abundance of club and extracurricular activities, and strong sense of community amongst the students and faculty.

Loyola has truly been the most amazing, fun, yet academically challenging endeavor I have taken on, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The best part about this school is the sense of community, brought about by the generosity and kindness of the upperclassmen to first year students. The college transition for new students can be stressful and nerve-wracking in itself, the struggle to make new friends, be more independent, and especially interact with the upperclassmen.

BUT, that was never the case at Loyola: last night I took a leap of faith, and reached out to a senior whom I had seen around campus, and knew she was a kind, outgoing individual, but had never spoken to before. I had applied to become an Evergreen, an organization which students apply for leadership positions to work with the orientation program at Loyola. The Evergreen staff works to support students through their academic, social and personal transition into the Loyola community.

Evergreens serve as positive role models for the incoming first year students, as well as an outstanding member of the Loyola community. I knew from the start that this was something I would want to apply for. Throughout my four years of high school, I was an avid participant and executive member of the peer leadership program. 

Naturally, I chose a school like Loyola with the Jesuit tradition of service and leadership, two ideals that are important to me. Growing up in a small, tight-knit community, I developed a passion for community service and leadership. Similar to the Evergreen program at Loyola, the peer leadership program at my high school consisted of a group of upperclassmen who worked with the freshmen through their academic, social, and personal growth and transition into high school.

I've always been the type of person who lived life with a positive attitude, and embraced ambiguity with an open-mind. As a peer leader, both academically at my high school, and socially within my community and youth group, I genuinely cared about the well-being of others. 

Last night, I reached out to a girl who's a senior at Loyola; I've seen her around campus, and saw how much she loved being an Evergreen and apart of the program. I explained to her that I sent my application for Evergreens, and about how I participated in a similar leadership program at my high school, so learning about the Evergreens at Loyola made me so happy and excited!

The reason I reached out to her was simple: I wanted to ask her about advice and her experiences about the program. I told her that I was most nervous about the individual interview, which was strange for me because I love talking to people, but I was worried about making a good impression while remaining genuine and myself. In that moment, I knew there was nothing more I could do than await a response. But I wasn't prepared for the outpour of support and kindness that came afterward.

She was so appreciative that I had reached out to her asking questions because this shows how dedicated I am about doing my best. She went above and beyond, taking time out of her night ( it was 12:30 am when she responded!!), giving me thoughtful tidbits of advice that were not only helpful, but extremely detailed and personal. By taking that leap of faith, she commended me on reaching out to a current Evergreen that a barely knew to ask for advice because that takes a lot of courage, and she could see how much I want it. 

She helped alleviate all my nerves, explaining the entire process, breaking down the individual interview, then the group interview. She gave me everything from advice, personal experiences telling me things she did when she going through the interview process, and from her 3 long paragraphs, I really got to know her as an individual and a friend.

It's moments like these that make my heart so happy. I was so beyond thankful for everything she had given me, her advice and input was far beyond what I could have expected. It truly meant the world to me that she took time to write detailed answers. I'm so glad I reached out to her because everything she gave me was so incredibly helpful and helped to alleviate jitters and nerves.

To know that I can reach out to someone whom I barely know, and for them to genuinely care and take time to help someone is truly the reason why I LOVE Loyola. No matter what happens during the application process, I am beyond blessed and happy to have developed a newfound friendship with someone as passionate, kind, and down to earth as her. It's people like her who are so willing to help anyone out as an upperclassman which makes me feel so welcome in the environment. She gave me some of the best advice about becoming an Evergreen that I never would have gotten had I not taken a little leap of faith reaching out to her.

I could ramble for hours on end about how I have the best school ever; although I have only been there for a semester, in such a short amount of time, I have developed a love and attachment to Loyola that is evident (mostly because I flood everyone's newsfeed on Facebook with gushing posts about how much I love my school). I couldn't be more excited about becoming an Evergreen; not only from my Evergreen Anna, whom I rave about to everyone I meet about her generosity, sense of humor, and dedication to the program, but now all the Evergreen friends I have made this semester, simply by reaching out and branching outside my comfort zone.

My Advice to you: NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO SOMETHING OUTSIDE YOUR LIMITS! After all, you never know what the outcome will be: more often than not, it will exceed your expectations. :)

Stress: Makes the Belly Ache

Hello my beautiful friends! Long time no talk (I'll admit, I've been lacking in the blog department, to be honest I've been dealing with personal issues and emotional distress and anxiety), BUT this brings me to the reason behind this week's blog post: STRESS!!!

Let's face it, while college has many amazing opportunities, and memorable experiences being in a new city and exploring with new friends, we will often find ourselves experiencing late night fatigue, stress and anxiety. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!! Many people, including myself, think that being overly stressed is uncommon; no one can relate to me or understands what I'm going through; I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way.

Well, that's where you're wrong!! Feeling stressed in today's society is pretty much inevitable. For a freshman in college, stress is among the norm: we are adjusting to living in a new environment, hundreds even thousands of miles away from home and what is familiar, the different workload and teaching styles of various teachers, midterms and registering for classes. That's enough to give someone a major headache, am I right??

Stress is a normal, automatic response also called the "fight or flight response" (applying psychology, thanks LoPresto!!), in which our body becomes alert and immediately responds when we sense we are being threatened by something or someone. Physically our heart rate and blood pressure increases, we might find it difficult to breathe as our diaphragm tightens, sweaty hands and a paranoid look in our eyes. 

In short, stress is defined as "the body's way of responding to any kind of demand or threat". When you repeatedly experience stress, it can lead to serious health problems and concerns, such as fatigue, and a weaker immune system, making one more prone or susceptible to getting sick. Our flight or flight response is the sympathetic nervous system reacting to a stressful event. We are constantly sizing up every situation that confronts us in life, deciding whether something is a threat and how we are going to respond to that situation.

Stress and anxiety is all too common for me, and if you know me, you'll know that I do this all too often. I'm a perfectionist at heart, in almost every aspect of my life, from the cleanliness of my bedroom (now college dorm room), to the outfits that I wear, to my hair  and makeup, but especially when it comes to academics and my grades and being organized. The way my mind is wired, everything has to be planned out in advance, WAY in advance, and sometimes that's a good thing, but when it consumes my social life and relationships with friends and loved ones, then it becomes obsessive compulsive.

When high school rolled around, I was full of jitters and excitement for high school to come, and the exciting journey ahead of me. I couldn't wait to meet new friends, and start on a clean slate with a lot more freedom and independence than I had experienced in middle school. I was quickly hit with the reality of a much larger workload, and began to experience severe anxiety. It slowly progressed. I would isolate myself and avoid social events because I was too stressed out or "didn't have time" to go out with friends and be engaged in social situations on the weekends. Unfortunately, my anxiety developed into extended periods of sadness: ones that didn't just last for a few hours or a day, but for several days, sometimes weeks. I would wake up everyday stressed and upset, and end the day feeling the same.

I struggled constantly to drag myself out of bed and function in school. Although my grades didn't suffer, my relationships with my friends and family, who mean the world to me, began to crumble at the seams. I felt muted and alone, and knew if I kept up this pattern of behavior, I would continue to wallow in my stress, and be stuck in an endless circle of anxiety, stress, sadness and hopelessness. The same thing happened when I arrived at Loyola: I found myself, once again, growing increasingly anxious and uneasy.

I became increasingly worried about myself, unsure why I was feeling the way I was, especially because during the day I was having fun and making memories with my messina group and my amazing evergreen Anna. But that's when I decided to do something about it, and regain control of my life. For the past few weeks I haven't been myself; I've been experiencing severe panic attacks, and have become increasingly quiet in classes and around friends, especially with my messina group during class and enrichment hour, distancing and isolating myself from the ones who love me. This past weekend, I went home, and it gave me time to reflect on everything I was feeling.

What are my stressors? What kinds of emotions do I experience when I'm stressed? What types of things should I do when I get stressed? Go for a walk? Talk with friends? Take a break from my homework, or go to the gym? All of this was running through my head. Everyone endures hardships, and they may be disheartening, discouraging ordeals that often times we struggle to pick ourselves up when we fall down. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that there were days when I fell just a little too hard, feeling hopeless and fighting to mend the pieces.

Creating this blog and reaching out for support at college was how I chose to reclaim my life. The coordination and courage isn't easy, since I had become accustomed to bottling up my stress and emotions, not wanting to burden others with my problems, thinking "I could handle this on my own, I'm fine".

I'm fine... I'm fine. Those were the words I would respond with whenever anyone would ask me how I was doing, or if anything was wrong. "Yeah, I'M FINE." But recently, I was tired of being "just fine", I deserved to be more than "fine", and everyone deserves that. If I've learned anything my 2 months here at Loyola it's that in order to surmount my treacherous setbacks and kick stress in the butt, I have to take the first step and ask for help, which may seem insignificant at first, but internally and emotionally, it makes a huge difference.

I was inspired to write this blog post during enrichment hour, when my evergreen mentor Anna, gave a presentation on stress and anxiety. Hesitant, I was extremely shy and not my usual bubbly, outgoing self, not knowing if anyone else in the room would be going through similar experiences as I was feeling. To my surprise, I was wrong; EVERYONE could relate. Anna talked about common stressors, the biggest being college transitional life, in which we had to adjust to living independently, without the easy access to our parents as resources. By the end of the session, I became more at ease and eager to participate in conversation, and later that day, thanked her for giving a presentation that we could all relate to, especially at a really stressful, low point in my life.

NOW TO THE GOOD PART: How on earth do we kick stress in the ass?!?!?! While I'm no expert on all things stress and anxiety emotional support, let me try to shed some light on personal experiences and strategies that have helped me, through the eyes of a college student. 

1. Go for a walk or run: This is one of my favorite stress relievers, and yes it's sometimes hard to find the internal motivation for such an endeavor, but I promise if you take even 30 minutes to go for a nature walk or run, it will make all the difference. Part of what makes this effective is the mentality that "yeah I know I don't want to do this, but I have to force myself to do things that I may not 'want' to do as it will benefit my stress levels in the long run". Physically activity is one of the most effective forms of stress relief, as it produces endorphins which are chemical messengers that act as natural painkillers for the brain, and also improves the ability to sleep. In general, when your body feels better, in turn your mind feels better as a result. Nothing beats the feeling than after a 2-3 mile run, the warmth of my muscles, and the exhaustion but satisfaction I feel after accomplishing something I set my mind to.

2. Watch Tv or a Movie: If you ever find yourself feeling stressed while doing school work, another way to relieve stress (while this may not be effective for everyone, it has been for me) is distracting your mind with some mindless television or movies. Better yet, do this with friends, because nothing relieves my stress more than being surrounded by my closest friends who never fail to make me laugh or put a well needed smile on my face. During stressful times, it's important to never be alone because the longer you're allow and wallow in your distress and sadness, the longer those stressful periods will last. 

3. Reach out to friends: Going off of what I mentioned before, friends are an invaluable resource for all things communication. Whenever I feel myself getting anxious and uneasy, I know I have a solid foundational base of friends who I know I could reach out to for anything at anytime, and reciprocate that in return. During my first weekend of school here at Loyola, before I became close with my friends and messina group, my evergreen proved to be such an amazing resource for support. Anna knew exactly what to say, giving me valuable pieces of advice, coming from someone who had just gone through freshman year the previous year. She showed me the various programs and resources that Loyola has to offer, and I seized the opportunity. This brings me to to my next point:

4. Join clubs and activities: Whether you're in college, high school, middle school, etc there are so many opportunities for activities and service organizations. Since being at Loyola, I've actively participated in Relay for Life, as this was a huge part of my life back home in NJ and my senior year running the event with 3 of my best friends. In addition, I'm currently training to become a Loyola tour guide (almost done!!), and am so excited to apply to become an evergreen, which is a program of upperclassmen mentors, who act as valuable resources to incoming freshman and participate in the first year messina program. Since we had a similar program at Ramsey High School, in which I was an active participant and later coordinator of the leadership program, I hope I can get the position so I can do the kind of work that Anna and so many other amazing evergreen leaders do to help first year students assimilate and adjust to college life and make the transition as successful and smooth as possible.

5. Write: This is my last tidbit of advice, and to be honest, you may not agree with me, but give it a try. It's almost therapeutic and a great way to take you mind off the stress and fast pace life of college to set aside even just 30 minutes to write. Writing has been that safe outlet for me, where I can reflect on everything I'm feeling and have experienced during the day, and simply write it all down. It's a way to get all that negative and unwanted energy out of your system, rather than keep it bottled up inside and simply loom in your mind. You can do this with coloring too, yes adult coloring books are actually fun!!! They are a means of personal expression, and forces you to focus on one thing at a time, choosing the perfect color and coloring in one area at a time, which will help develop a lifestyle mindset. In life you can't look at tasks and assignment as a whole (I'm guilty of this), but rather, jot down a list of assignments that need to get done, and take each subject one at a time. Once you're done with one subject's homework, cross it off your list and move on to the next assignment. By forcing your mind to focus on one thing at a time (since it's scientifically and psychologically proven that humans CANNOT multitask well!!), you are less likely to experience stress than if you look at all 5 subjects and their assignments all at once.

Hopefully there's something for everyone to take out of this post. College is stressful, and that's the truth, but it's important to understand and realize that it's a normal aspect of the transition process. When the going gets tough, use it as fuel to get through that bad day, because good days are coming. Everyone's going to have a bad day, but know it's only temporary if you choose not to let it affect you. The more you wallow in your sorrows, the longer and more painful your experience will be. Be active and force yourself to do more productive things, because life will go on if you take an hour or more each day for self pleasure and enjoyment if you don't do that one homework assignment. If there's one thing I remember from my evergreen Anna is that the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Whenever you feel yourself getting anxious or worked up, put down the work and take some time to relax, watch tv or talk to some friends, because the worst thing you can do is overwork yourself. My mom sent me this quote today via text message, wishing me a good day at school, and I thought this was perfect timing, with the theme of this week's blog post, and I really needed the small pick me up, which will go a long way. Stay positive, because happiness is around the corner, you just have to give it time!

xoxo kaitlyn zwerling 

HOMESICK BLUES

So ever been away for an extended period of time, away from your friends and family, away from everything that was familiar and comfortable about your life? Feeling homesick and wanting the constant love and support from your friends and family? Will things ever get better?

These were the questions that I constantly asked myself, as I embarked on the college bandwagon, and traveled the 300 miles to Baltimore, Maryland to my future home for the next four years: Loyola University. I was extremely excited, butterflies in my stomach, eyes wide open ready with open arms for the new experiences and friends I was going to make. But something wasn't completely right: a slight hesitation, inclination of worry, anxiety, and nerves. At the time, I couldn't quite understand what I was feeling because I was so excited, and ready to be independent and live on my own and make all new friends, and especially start anew and pursue my career dreams. Yet, amidst all my excitement, was this little flicker of hesitation.

As it came down to my parents leaving me, and having to meet my evergreen and group for the first time, this feeling started to progress, but I was determined not to let it get in the way of having fun with a new group of individuals from all over. The first day flew by, full of ice breaker activities, academic seminars, and fun laughs share by all. That night, my evergreen Anna, asked all of us to reflect on the day, and think about a fear that we have for the year, keep it to ourselves, but remember it for Monday. At first, I just thought of something simple: the class work load, getting lost on campus, throwing up (yes I'm terrified of throwing up, or other people getting sick), but as the welcome weekend continued, I found myself growing increasingly uneasy, experiencing insomnia and nightmares.

I became increasingly worried about myself, not knowing why I was feeling this way, especially because during the day I was having fun, making memories and spending fun times with my messina group and amazing evergreen leader Anna. The insomnia, anxiety, and nerves progressively intensified. I was constantly talking and face timing my parents, and always had great stories and things to share. Yet, nothing was shaking this feeling that something was wrong. Once classes rolled around, I was excited to meet all my new professors, and finally get into a routine for myself. The first week went pretty well, a few nerves here and there, but all in all I was very successful. I made friends in all my classes, saw Anna and met her friends, and even went to the gym and did laundry.

The first weekend rolled around, and that's when things went downhill. Saturday night was a night I won't forget. I was siting on the second floor common space, frivolously doing homework, when I started getting this horrible anxious feeling. At the time I had been texting and snap chatting my evergreen Anna, when I started experiencing chest pains, which then escalated to a full blown panic attack. I found myself unable to breathe, and this was a feeling I have never felt before, and no matter what I did from walking around and doing laps, nothing seemed to calm me down. I have snap chatted Anna, telling her that I was having an anxiety attack. She asked me if everything was alright, and if I needed her to come hang out with me. It was at that moment, when I knew that I was homesick. I pushed myself to the limit, with zero breaks, making myself crazy over the monstrosity of school work that I was assigned. Anna made me realize that I needed to reach out, and ask for help, and while looking back on it in the moment I didn't think I would need her and didn't want to burden her, I definitely needed someone that night to comfort me.

I've always been the kind of person who never reached out to anyone for help, thinking "oh I can handle it whatever" or felt I was burdening people with my problems. That night I made a promise to Anna: my goal for the year is to ask for help. As much as I thought I could have handled the panic attack that Saturday, looking back I definitely needed her, but I was worried about burdening Anna with my problems. She made me realize that I should never be afraid to reach out, because that's what friends are for. They are there for each other, no matter what the situation or circumstance. Her kind words will always resonate and hold a special place in my heart. You don't come across people like Anna, willing to drive all the way from her house to campus at 11 pm on a Saturday night to comfort me for a panic attack.

The idea behind this post is simple: homesickness is extremely common amongst college freshman, and even upperclassmen. I never thought I would be the one to get homesick. I had been away from my family before, Ecuador for 2 weeks, and mission trips to Indiana with my youth group, and never experienced any issues before. But being in a new environment, and realizing that this isn't a temporary trip for a few days or a week, but rather, this was going to be my new home for the next four years, and the people around me were about to become my new family and friends. No matter how excited you may be about college life, even the most independent individuals, like myself, can find themselves struck with homesickness.

Moving away from home for the first time, adjusting to college life and schedules, with extended periods of free time and breaks in between classes and setting up a brand new schedule all take a toll on you, and sometimes you find yourself wanting to crawl into that extra small twin bed and tuck yourself into the covers and avoid life's difficulties. A lot of college students like myself don't have the luxury of being able to come home every weekend whenever you want, so when you're missing home, how do you cope?

While I am still finding this out for myself, I have developed and perfected a few tips and tricks which have proven effective in alleviating my stressful times. It's important to remember that homesickness is an extremely normal reaction to periods of rapid transition and adjustment- like starting your freshman year of college. More often than not, especially in my case, people misjudge or misinterpret what it means to be homesick. Being homesick is about missing that part of your life that's "normal", comfortable and what we are used to, and not being quite comfortable with your new way of life. Basically, being homesick is a longing for what's familiar to you.

The following are steps that may help those who are struggling with homesickness, and hopefully by sharing this with the world, I can shed light to others who might be experiencing, or have experienced similar reactions and situations to myself.

1. Recognize that what you're experiencing is entirely normal. According to Dr. Klapow, a clinical psychologist, "even if no one's saying, chances are most people are feeling various degrees of homesickness at one point or another. Feeling homesick is part of learning to live a new life- you can't do it without going through some sort of adjustment period". Acknowledging and accepting your homesickness is a way of learning how to live a new life, and once you know that you're homesick, you can take the necessary steps towards resolving it

2. Explore your new surroundings. You're not gonna learn how to adjust to your new home by restricting yourself to your small little dorm room. Try going for a walk, exploring campus and getting a feel for your surroundings. Introduce yourself to new people and engage in conversation. In that way, you're putting yourself out there, and making a conscious effort to engage and meeting new people. Scope out secret study spots for when you're tired of the library, find your favorite spots on campus to get lunch or coffee with friends, or quite spots to clear your head. The more you feel like your campus "belongs" to you, the more comfortable you'll feel at college.

3. Stay connected at home- but not too connected. I know I struggled with this in the beginning, wanting to text or call home every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, just to hear the voice of my parents, even if I didn't have anything in particular to talk to them about. Maintaining relationships with friends and family is important to helping miss home less, but part of getting over homesickness is severing emotional ties from home. What's especially great about the world we live in now is the availability of technology, which makes staying connected with home much easier. Touching base with friends and family back home will make you feel connected with what's going on back home, but you should do this in moderation. Challenge yourself to go small increments without touching back with home: one day, two days, three, and then try limiting yourself to a few times a week, to maybe once a week, and so on. The longer you can go without connection, the more you will be challenged and compelled to be actively involved and present on campus in the moment, and this will result in more fulfilling conversations at the end of the week, when you can share the weeks breakdown with your parents that Sunday before classes the next day.

4. Talk to other students. This is my last and MOST IMPORTANT tip. It's easy to feel alone when you're homesick, seeing on social media others posting pictures out with friends, partying, sporting events, having the time of their life. However, you'd be surprised how many other freshman are probably feeling the same way, and how many people there are that share your fears, but also interests. You just got to know where to look. Try talking to your new friends or people about what you're experiencing. Opening up about homesicknesses can be awkward, but it can be the best thing ever, as reaching out to your friends can help form a new camaraderie and fight your bouts of homesickness together. If I hadn't reached out to Anna that Saturday night about my panic attack and homesickness, I'm not sure where I would be, and it was that moment that truly changed my outlook on life, and strengthened my relationship with one of the best girls ever.

I can't thank my friends here enough for their amazing support and assurance with my struggles, always making me feel at home. I especially want to thank my friend Anna, for making me realize that everything I'm experiencing is normal, and reassuring me that I can reach out to not only her for anything, but to anyone on campus as well. She made me realize that it's important to reach out for support, and I'm truly grateful for all my amazing friends that I've met here so far!!!

Thank You Letter from a College Freshman

A message to my parents from their little girl. Here I am, finishing my first full week of classes at college, and I couldn't help but feel inclined to write you a proper thank you. So here goes:

Mom and Dad,
Thank you so much for being my biggest supporters, and doing life with me. Thank you for never giving up on me, even after all the times I gave up on myself. There were times when I felt lost, unable to find my way home, but you two were always at the end of the road with open arms, always supporting and encouraging me to be myself. Thank you for being my biggest supporters at sporting events, from t-ball games, to softball, to soccer, basketball, to the dreaded volleyball games, wondering if I would get to play even one rotation.

Thank you for loving me. As a child, teenager, and young adult girl, there was never a moment when I never felt loved beyond words. These past few years have been extremely rough, from anxiety to depression, to failed friend groups, to school work. I wouldn't have been able to surmount these obstacles without your constant encouragement and attentive listening for hours on end.

College is a completely empty place without you two, full of new and sometimes intimidating places and experiences. I'm completely on my own, having 2-3 classes per day, a heavy workload that hits you like a truck, trying to figure out what and when to eat or do my laundry. Making friends hasn't been the hardest part, it's connecting with those friends, and going outside of my comfort zone to make plans, rather than sit around all day and evening, buried 6 feet under in homework. It's time I move on and grow as a young adult.

While sitting on the 2nd floor commonspace in Flannery Hall, overlooking the trees and hills and the Loyola library, I've been inspired to write this to you. There's so much I have to be thankful for, and it's all due to your never-ending love and support through every age and stage of my development in my 18 years here on Earth. I read a lot of these kinds of blog posts, from college students to their parents, but I wanted to make mine as special and meaningful as possible. Rather than saying a ton of cliches that everyone throws around, I'm going to insert some of our favorite memories and quotes together.

Mom,
You've always told me to "spread my wings and fly", ever since I was a little girl. When I'm feeling depressed you reassure me and tell me "deep down inside you have the same wisdom for yourself just waiting to jump out at your mature independent self". You always respond to my texts, sometimes right away, other times 5 hours later, but the emotion and excitement I get when I see your name pop up on my phone never fails to put a smile on my face. You always know exactly what to say to me in regards to every little fear and nuance I have, from my extremely sensitive stomach, to my constant fear of throwing up (it's called emetophobia, yes it's a real scientific fear :) ). When I'm constantly stressing and worrying about events and situations that haven't even happened yet, especially when it comes to school, my favorite thing you've said to me was "take one week at a time, and just have fun with it and the grade will be whatever it is with you trying your best. There's a fine line between nerves and excitement, so just go with it.

Thanks for always reminding me that with each accomplishment, I will feel better and better and tip the balance towards "excitement with the butterflies, or flutter flies as I used to call them". You always encourage me to throw the stress out the window and have as much fun as possible. You're right when you tell me to stop battling going outside my comfort zone and going out with new friends. "Each time you do it will get easier and more fun. Stop focusing on missing us and work hard on accomplishing moving forward socially."

Dad,
Where do I even begin? I've always been a "daddy's girl" ever since I could remember. From yelling at you, to walking around naked in mom's high heels, to you taking embarrassing pictures of me or flicking my butt, I've always looked up to you as a dad, but also my best friend. I know things haven't been easy on both of us these past few years, both experiencing hardships with depression, you restless legs and back injuries, but look where we are now! Better and stronger than ever. We share the same tv and movie interests, and I love our endless stream of text messages where we send our favorite movie quotes until we laugh out hysterically. You won't be able to tell me "oh behave" while I'm away at college so sorry! Thanks for being you, and being the best dad a girl could ever dream of. It's hard to admit it, but I think I lucked out with you. This past summer in Paris was the trip of a lifetime, full of amazing memories and laughs shared, along with scares and anxiety. Yet, we grew closer as a result, and it made saying good bye that much harder than I ever anticipated.

That being said, I've met so many amazing people who have influenced and impacted my life in the short week I've been on campus. My evergreen Anna, one of the sweetest girls I have ever met, in just a few short days, has become one of my closest friends. She never fails to help me out, or give me the best advice. She has encouraged me that I can power through the massive workload, and reassured me that I will do great things in college and the future, and she will always be there for me if I need her. Anna is always there for me when I need someone to talk, and I wouldn't have been able to survive my first week on campus without her, and for that I'm forever grateful to have someone like her. Without her, college would have been completely different. 

College is like a rollercoaster, full of twists and turns and in between. It takes time to find your path and way around the world of college, and even though I don't have my parents to help me, I am blessed to have amazing friends, like Anna and SO MANY MORE, who are always there to pick me up. I'm no where near where I want to be (still have tons of anxiety and nerves), but I'm hoping I'm on the right path.