Behind Closed Doors

I know that I haven't been on here in forever, and I was hesitant to post this, but I am not at a place in my life where I feel comfortable sharing, in the hopes that what I am going through might be able to positively impact the life of someone else. A lot has happened in the past year, and I am finally siting down to reflect on what has happened, and why I have been missing in action: here is my story, the story of what most people don't know about me...

From the moment I stepped foot on campus, got all settled in and unpacked, I immediately felt homesick and anxious about the upcoming year. I have difficulty making new friends, which might seem shocking to most since I try and be as outgoing, social and bubbly as possible. There's so much behind the scenes that most people don't know about me: behind the scenes, I am very shy and guarded, and am not one to be open to others about my emotions and what I'm feeling inside.

From anxiety, to panic attacks, to insecurities and stress, I struggled constantly to maintain my composure, and be there for my friends without letting them know what I was going through. College is rough, especially because when you're in college it feels like there's no escaping your problems because you're always here. 

As some may know, I struggle with anxiety and depression, which is something I don't normally share with people, but now that I've grown into a clear mindset, I feel comfortable and in a position to open up. I feel like there is no escaping, and while I try not to dwell on things and be happy and make others smile, I forget to take care of myself.

This has been an ongoing battle since high school, and coming to college was so hard, not knowing if I could make friends or trust anyone. I came very close to transferring several times, because I was just that unhappy. While things have progressed forward, there's always that fear in the back of my head like "do people like me?" or questioning whether Loyola is the school for me. 

Transitioning to college is extremely challenging to make a foreign city and school feel like home, or finding friends and resources to ease the transition process. It wasn't until I met people like my friends Sophie and Anna, that I had an outlet for support and advice and an ear to listen to what I was going through. Up until than, I had felt hopeless because I never felt there was anyone there for me during my first year of college.

It's people like them that we need more of in the world. It's so rewarding and comforting to have people who are always so kind and caring towards me and others, with true hearts of gold. College is tough, and I know I just need to give it time and be patient because things won't change in an instant.

Many people but on this front that they are extremely happy and everything is perfect (me being one example), and what I fail to realize is that so many more people are feeling the same way, but just aren't showing it or feeling anyone. Adapting and finding a place at college longer for some people (like it is for me). It's easy to feel like you don't have a place yet when I and many others were just thrown into this situation where we don't know anyone are trying to figure our lives out.

It's hard not knowing whether I have a place or not at school because it seems like everyone is so happy and having fun. I know deep down inside I need to give it time, because the friends I have made are amazing, one being Sophie whom I met through relay for life. Every time I see her, I smile so much because she always has a way of making me feel better about any situation I’m going through.

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety, distraught about my major and career, friends, and it’s a lot to process all at once with everything that comes with transitioning to college. Things have been rough, battling many fears, whether I should stay at Loyola, questioning whether people like me, feelings of rejection and hurt, but trying to remember the numerous amount of love.

I keep going back to all the love and support I have received, from individuals such as Sophie and my evergreen Anna. They have impacted me in numerous ways, and I know it may not seem like much to them, as they are naturally caring and supportive individuals, it means the world to me. At a time when I was the most vulnerable and needed support, they have always made me feel better.

Meeting Sophie was a gift: she picked me up when I fell down, gave me advice, made me laugh and smile, and that’s invaluable to me; something I will never forget. There’s a lot that y’all don’t know about me that I don’t share, hence why this is entitled: “Behind Closed Doors”. On the outside, I emulate positivity, optimism, and happiness, striving to make friends, help and care for others, and put the lives of others before my own.

However, deep down inside: I am hurting; anxiety, depression, insecurity, not feeling good enough or worthy of love and happiness, and constantly criticizing myself for “not being good enough” or deserving of support.

Shocking right?? The bright, bubbly, outgoing, charismatic girl who always puts others first, always has a smile on her face, struggles with anxiety and depression. You never know what someone is going through until you get the chance to peel back the numerous layers. What may appear to be reality on the outside can surely be receiving. I never thought I could confide in someone about anything, so I built up walls and kept my feelings to myself.

For some reason, one day, I broke down. I second guessed everything about myself, and felt like I didn’t belong at Loyola, and people didn’t like me. I try very hard to maintain this positive, upbeat outlook on life and make friends because until recently, I didn’t have “genuine” friends back home. Maybe my perception if off, because I tend to overthink and overanalyze everything. I felt like overtime the relationships and friendships I made at the beginning were fading; I would try and make plans, or engage in conversation, but never felt included.

I can’t help but question myself: “do people like me?”, “is there something wrong with me?” I wonder at times whether the people whom I became so close with at the beginning of the year are still my friends at the end. Yes, I know it’s irrational, but sometimes the way I see how others are thriving, so happy and content, it makes it seem like I just don’t quite have a place. I want to be able to explain to others how I am feeling, but I believe in the process I would be burdening them; that’s why I tend to keep things bottled up inside of me.

It’s nerve-wracking and difficult for me to be vulnerable and openly express my feeling and emotions to others because I have never done this before. My heart is beating out of my chest as my fingers are typing, and I am pouring my heart out to the internet, to friends and loved ones, to complete strangers, what I have been hiding for years.

I don’t quite understand what it is, but I am constantly second guessing myself, questioning what I want to do with my life. I am a very close off “keep to myself” kind of person; I never confide in others or reach out for support because I never had that outlet to do so. I try constantly to convince myself and others that I’m fine, and not to worry about me.

That day, I broke down in tears. I was so stressed with work, and anxious about different things that were out of my control such as my friendships, and things that were happening at home. Everything seemed to hit me all at once. By holding onto things, suddenly, everything came crashing right in front of me, and the pain and burden became overwhelming.

Often, I feel like people won’t understand what I’m going through, so that’s why u tend to hold back and keep things bottled up inside of me, until I ultimately explode. I’ve had previous relationships where I felt stabbed in the back and ditched, making me believe I wasn’t worthy of their friendship and love in general.

I vowed to never let anyone see my emotions. I never let people see me cry, or be vulnerable, and this sucks because everyone needs to let out their emotions, but for me, I am terrified of that.

Living with depression and anxiety is a difficult feat to deal with, especially while navigating through the crazy world of college. Ever since junior year when I lost a ton of friendships, I haven’t been the same: I told myself I would never be able to trust anyone ever again.

But since I met Sophie, things have changed: there’s something so warm and welcoming about her, that I can be myself around, and let my guard down. She’s been there for me in every aspect she can. I have never had someone like her in my life, and the world needs more individuals like her. She’s one of the sweetest, most down to earth individual I know.

I have never met someone whom I trust so much: she always gives me the best advice and makes me feel so much better during rough times. Every coffee date, photo and memory we make together makes me smile so much. She has been an amazing mentor, and whenever I needed someone to talk to, she was always there to provide me with insightful advice and support to make me feel 10 times better.

Then a few weeks before moving back for my sophomore year it happened: I had one of the worst panic attacks, dreading the return of school, thoughts flooding my brain about the pain I went through last year. Last year I had a horrible time: I struggled with my anxiety, fought to fit in and make new friends, most importantly ones I could trust.

All my past fears came creeping back entering my sophomore year: now granted, I have many some incredible friends like Sophie, Madison, Jeff and Julie from relay, my evergreen Anna, and others from various places, but all my past year crept forward. I was stressing about what I wanted to do with my life, as sophomore year is a big milestone and pivotal year with declaring my major and planning for the future.

I know deep down inside everything is going to be alright, but right now everything is consuming me. I recognize that I have many people who care very much for me, and hate to see me hurting. While I am not exactly where I want to be socially and emotionally, I have been doing a lot of self-discernment to find peace.  

This summer, I decided to do something about it: I finally put myself first. Although I made amazing connections and friends my freshman year, I was still so anxious and stressed and not healthy. Last year, I didn’t practice self-care, which was a mistake. But reflecting on everything from the past year, I have worked on eating healthier, managing my time by being organized and preplanning my week, and seeking out activities I enjoyed to alleviate my stress when I felt myself getting overwhelmed.

I began doing what was right for me: if that meant going for a 2-mile run, hiking with my dog, leaving my phone at home and only checking it in the morning and at night, or staying home with my family and relaxing, than that was what I did. I started putting time into my appearance: I started wearing more jeans and nice tops, skirts, dresses, heels and boots; but biggest of all, I wore makeup. I have always loved makeup, but this summer, I would watch youtube videos of makeup tutorials on repeat. I became inspired, and invested a lot of my money into makeup products, not because I thought I needed it to be pretty and feel good, but because it was an outlet for me to release my stress in a fun, more productive way.

In addition, I started eating well: I have always been a health-conscious individual, refusing to eat things that were too high in calories, but now I threw that all away, and invested in a healthy diet. I eat 3 healthy meals a day with lots of energy giving snacks in between, and in between, would indulge in a sweet treat here and there to reward myself.

I am finally beginning to enjoy the little things in life, and realize that I can’t take life for granted. Everyone has a different way of practicing self-care. I’m not there yet, but I am 100% on the road to peace and a healthy lifestyle that makes me happy. I accept myself for who I am, and this takes time, sometimes it’s hard to wait, but I have made so much progress, and I am celebrating the little victories.

Loneliness is a choice and it’s important to choose to have people around you to love and support you, even though this might be difficult. However, I finally found those people. My evergreen Anna: one of the kindest, most caring, selfless individual I have met. Anna never fails to make me smile or laugh, text me late at night amidst her hectic schedule to talk to me and provide support and advice. My confidence and self-esteem has greatly improved thanks to her, helping me see things in a different perspective. She always tells me to take care of myself, to take a break from schoolwork when I find myself getting anxious to relax, spend times with friends, and most importantly, to breathe.

She is a true inspiration to me, reminding me to look for the positive things each day, because stress and anxiety are short lived, and I couldn’t imagine getting through my first year without her.

Lastly, at the end of last year I found myself my core group of friends: Julia, Kat, Micaela, Hayley: thank you all for always being there for me, providing a shoulder to cry on and vent when I was stressed and needed guidance. I have never received such love, care, and an outpour of support from anyone. From homework, to late night vent sessions to parties and gym dates, I can’t see myself being friends with anyone else.

I am here for a reason, and Loyola is a such a great opportunity with many awesome people. College is incredibly difficult to say the least in so many ways, but so far I think I am doing alright! It is such a big adjustment for everyone, and I am extremely proud of how far I have come, and I hope to accomplish all that I can. To hear from others how I make them feel important and cared about is one of the most heartwarming things I have ever heard.

I am so happy I have taken the time to write this, and I hope that if anyone else out there is struggling, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, wake up every morning with a smile on your face and remind yourself that everything is going to be alright!