For my first "official" blog post (the other one didn't really count in my opinion) I decided it would be best to discuss the reason behind the blog. It's important that in order to be truthful and honest with my viewers, I create a post discussing the blogger herself.
This is my story. It all started back in the 1st grade. I had always had self confidence issues and lack of self respect, but it was in 1st grade, where I experienced my first dose of bullying.
I had suffered from a rare, but dangerous virus and infection (won't go into details, it's not relevant) that left me with scars on my face. People of that age were cruel, calling me a monster, and running away in terror and fear. It was this traumatic event that would eventually haunt and scare me as I got older.
Fast forward now to high school.I couldn’t wait to meet new friends, and start on a clean slate with a lot more freedom and independence than I had experienced in middle school. I was quickly hit with the reality of a much larger workload, and began to experience severe anxiety. It slowly progressed. I would isolate myself and avoid social events because I was too stressed out, or didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin to be exposed to a situation full of partying, alcohol, and peer pressure. My anxiety developed into extended periods of sadness: ones that didn’t just last for a few hours or a day, but for several days, sometimes weeks. I would wake up every day upset and end the day feeling the same. I struggled constantly to pick myself out of bed and function in school.
I was in so much pain, and I was tired of explaining my pain to my parents, and all I wanted was clarity. I needed some kind of answer to my constant thought that I was crazy. My mood was extremely erratic during my junior year, and both my friends and parents became concerned. It finally became too much. Reluctantly, I sought after psychological help, where I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety, and as I continued therapy once a week, my therapist noticed similar signs and symptoms I was experiencing that are associated with bipolar depression.
Bipolar depression symptoms include periods of elevated mood or irritability. My mind is never at rest and is constantly racing, and often I experience high energy levels with reduced need for sleep. My erratic mood consists of emotions ranging from anger, anxiety, hopelessness, inability to feel pleasure, and elevated moods followed by sudden mood swings. I would make rash and impulsive decisions and partook in risky behaviors such as self-harm. In addition, I developed an eating disorder, starving myself and losing over 10 pounds my junior year. My life felt like it was spiraling out of control, that I was stuck in a never ending tornado unable to break free, and I just didn’t want to be here anymore and suffer.
But that’s when I decided to do something about it: I reached out for help and established this blog dedicated to providing optimism and peace of mind to those out there struggling with similar issues. Everyone endures hardships, and they may be disheartening, discouraging ordeals that often times we struggle to pick ourselves up when we fall down. I learned that in order to surmount my treacherous setbacks, I had to take that first step and ask for help.
Today I can tell you I am taking the right steps toward recovery. I have such amazing friends that are there every step of the way. I feel confident, excited, and most importantly: happy. Yes, happiness seems so simple, and you may wonder, why is this so important? Doesn't everyone experience happiness?
While that may seem like the truth, happiness to me has been the key towards the road to recovery. I am so happy and proud of everything I have accomplished, and to say I'm finally experiencing happiness, is more important than any trophy or material good in the world. So I encourage you all, if you or someone is struggling, reach out for support. Trust me, it makes all the world of differences.
xoxo kaitlyn
